Something about him drew me in. He was so much different than the others. Something about him calmed my spirit and made me giggle like a teenage school girl. Just the way he said my name would give me chills and set my soul on fire. When I was in his prescene I felt warm like I was just where I belonged. He charmed his way into my life and softened my heart. He knew to say the right things to make me feel beautiful and special.
I let my guard down. But I began to think maybe too soon.
Things were moving a bit fast. I could see myself with him and started romanticizing a future with him.
We laid down, he had his arms wrapped around me holding me close as I took everything in and took breaths in I could smell his scent. The same scent that would remind me of him and make me miss him when he wasn’t around but somehow made me feel closer to him. The moment felt to good and although I should of just been appreciating the safety of being in his arms subconsciously I was terrified. Terrified of something real , terrified of falling hard for someone again.
Somehow in that moment I started a fight. I did not realize it at the moment but I was being self destructive. And it wasn’t the first time I had done this with him before and the last time it happened I had a long talk with my best friend. Nikki you tend to get arguementative when you get insecure. Our arguement spilled over to the next day and night mainly because I kept egging it on and it got to the point of us not knowing how to fix things.
Sometimes we cause are own hearts to be broken by letting our insecurities get the best of us. He never did anything to hurt me but I was so afraid of just being happy that I unknowingly found a way to tear us apart. A person can truly care about you but you are the one that comes between the two of you.
When it comes to self destructive behavior in a relationship you have to remember that you deserve the happiness and treatment that the other person is providing you with and there is no reason to be so suspicious of someone treating you right. Do not ruin your own happiness.
I have failed at many things this year and guess what I’m going to fail at many things next year as well. Failure is inevitable and it’s a part of life. 2018 is only a few days away and this is around that time where some of us begin to reflect on the things that we set out to accomplish in the beginning of the year and failed to do. It’s very easy to get down on yourself when you had such big plans for yourself and a whole year has passed and it seems like you accomplished nothing.
If you know that you did everything in your power to try to make that dream a reality you have nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes things do not happen because it really isn’t your time yet. Sometimes you have to fail at something to realize that it’s not really for you and not really what you wanted in the first place. Now I’m not talking about things like “Oh I’m going to workout more this year” let’s be real most of us that make this goal end up not doing it because we just being lazy!! Get up and go for a walk or something ever little bit counts boo!
I’m talking about the “I am going to become a homeowner or move to a better place ” , “I am going to get a better job or try to get that raise” , “ I am going to start that business ” “ I am going to get myself that new car I been needing” . I’m talking about the bigger picture things that take a little more time ! For me I was determined to get a higher position at my old job I went through training and did everything right and although I was basically promised the position I started to realize that it wasn’t going to happen and honestly I’m happy that it didn’t because the field I was working in wasn’t even what I wanted to do. It just so happened that I had been doing it for years and was good at it. I ended up quitting . ( You can read more about that experience here I Quit . )
For me that “failure” turned into something else I ended up finding a way better position in a better field making more than I would have been in the position I was going after . However if I wouldn’t of failed I never would of built up that resilience to try harder and want more for myself ! And on another note everyone I worked with and the person the hired to replace me and the person that they gave the position I was going after too all ended up getting laid off a few months after I left. Every failure isn’t for lack of trying or because your not good enough sometimes it’s just bad timing and something bigger and better for you is in store. It does not matter the process of how you got there or even how long it takes it just matters that you there.
So with 2018 soon approaching and new goals beginning to form embrace your failures, learn from them, grow from them and make that ish happen !!!
Do you have a story of failure that turned out to be a victory ?
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It’s 5:45am on a Tuesday morning and something is pressing my mind…..
I love to write but to be honest I don’t always feel like doing the things that I love. I want to promote positivity but I do not always have positive thoughts which is why I tend to go so long without posting anything. The anxiety kicks in and the depression kicks in and I have no desire to do anything else. Nor do I have the focus to do anything else. I do not believe in New Years resolutions but I do believe that any day can be a new beginning for you if you so wish. So here I am (once again) starting a new beginning for myself.
This might be the end of the year but it’s just the beginning for me. I learned so many lessons last year. I learned to love myself all over again. I learned about my standards and expectations for my life and those in my life. I sorted out a lot of things and a lot of fears I have. And moving forward I only plan on growing more and throwing myself in situations I would usually run away from and I’m going to start with sharing more about me with my readers.
I want you guys to know more and understand more about this single black girl from Cali that struggles with mental illness but still keeps it pushing. I want the world to see and understand more about people like me so that one day that stigma around mental health especially in the black community will be erased. I want those who are suffering from things as well to know they are not alone and to know you don’t have to be ashamed of it and avoid asking for help.
I want to share more of my experiences and lessons learned from dating and life , my mistakes and my triumphs. Life is not easy , love isn’t easy and I have been through things and seen others go through things.
If your reading this right now than please know I appreciate you and one of my goals for myself is to share more with you and to be more personable and consistent. I want my readers to feel like they know more to me than my blog and my Instagram quotes. I try to write things that are relatable but how can people relate to someone they barely know ? I know this seems easy enough but fun fact about me I am an extremely private person and I don’t care for much attention. So bare with me ! Lol
Thanks for reading and I hope you subscribe!